The Worst Online Dating Profile

What are the elements of a crappy online dating profile? Take note, and edit yours if need be. I’ll cheat and tell you that you should do as you see fit, but applying the 180 degree turn to the following information would be a smart idea.

Pretend your neighbor wrote your profile. Include all the basic things like “going out with friends”, “playing sports”, “reading books”, “watching movies/TV”. You should not lie and add the most basic TV shows that the whole country knows and watches, because god knows that American Idol differentiates you from the rest.

Adjectives 101. Of course you are smart, funny, athletic, caring, spontaneous, honest, serious. Don’t forget adventurous and curious. Just fill the page with adjectives. Thesaurus.com is a great place for finding more.

Sound as mechanical as possible. Robots can also fill out dating profiles, don’t you know? One-word answers are much appreciated too. Also “ask me” call to action really does the trick if you follow all other rules listed here.

Post an ugly photo of yourself. And if you don’t have any uglies, then make sure you’re wearing sunglasses or hats in your photo. Preferably both at the same time. Shirtless photos are excellent for men, and bikini shots are recommended for women. No smiling (assume passport photo attitude).

Do not compare your profile to others in your area. The less competitive analysis you do & make less attempts to differentiate yourself, the better. In no way should you stand out.

It’s good to talk about the past. It’s important to show that you still remember all the terrible things that happened between you and your ex. Accept that, mention it on your profile. Emphasize the importance of honesty and loyalty in the presence!

Jokes are OK! To show off your sense of humor (listed in the first point), do keep your profile funny. People like to laugh and everybody wants a joker in their social circles.

List your long-term relationship goals. It’s important to tell everyone what kind of family life you are looking for. They need to know what they’re getting themselves into. If you want to settle down with 3  kids in a suburban home, Golden retriever Maggie and a giant grill, say it now!

You can tweak the truth a little. According to Personals Trainer, women tend to lie about their weight and age. Men lie about height and income. Go ahead and support the statistic. Embellish the reality a little, god knows it’s a dreary life out there.

Wait for magic. Things do happen when you complete a personals profile in accordance with the above formula. I promise your inbox is going to explode w

Had a good laugh yet?

Against boredom the gods themselves fight in vain

That’s what Nietzsche said. (We will return to him eventually)

I also realize that us human beings should feel less guilty about being bored. From time to time. I was raised to believe that I am bored because I can’t entertain myself, or I am bored because I don’t participate enough, or I become bored because I’m stuck in a rut.

Not once was a possibility of the other person being a hopeless and uninteresting bore, explored. Guess what? I’m an educated woman, with a vast array of interests from Italian futurists to 17th century Japanese poetry to financial hedging to squash to Burgundy wine to Czech new wave cinema. And more. I’m able to carry on a conversation, and I can probably recall several interesting points from the last issue of The Economist and a Hemingway book is very likely to fall out of my purse. I can make you laugh and can produce many topics for conversation. So don’t give me the “it’s your problem” answer. It may very well be yours.

Last month I went on two dates with the guy I’m going to tell you about.

When I first met him, M, at a party, I thought he was pretty interesting. He threw out some Russian literature cards (I’m starting to think that anyone who is capable of reading and producing some thoughts brings out the ardent interest in Brothers Karamazov), mentioned having studied philosophy and physics, backpacked around Europe and northern Africa and expressed interest in teaching (down the road). Sounded good.

So we went on a first date, most of which was spent talking about the past – we were telling stories of our European travel to each other, discussed some philosophy, some school, past accomplishments, current jobs, aspirations. Towards the end I kind of noticed that all interesting discussions revolved around his past. His present was full of managing his dad’s printing shop (a little boring), living in Hamilton (where is that? I’ve never been) and going out with the same married friends and not liking hooking up with random people at bars. Okay.

I wasn’t particularly heart-broken to part several hours later. I happily inhaled the fresh October air and went onward with my Saturday evening.

The second date was a killer. We went to an all-you-can eat sushi place, Aji Sai on Queen West, to enjoy some raw fish before going to a movie. The food was great, I was happy to stuff my face with salmon and tuna sashimi because I was growing a little bored of the conversation.  Talking about the present with this guy was not that fun – I wasn’t interested in stories about his friends (married and with problems — what a great turn on; what am I supposed to say besides that some of his friends are bored/made a mistake early in their life/are doomed to the suburban hell?). I wasn’t interested in his future, I wasn’t even particularly excited to hear about technical issues at work and the runaround that gave him.

I couldn’t help but wonder why it was that I really wanted to check my phone, text my roommate to come rescue me, or see what Twitter has been up to, anything to distract myself from the guy.

Then half-way through my own sentence (something really high-pitched and unintelligent – subconsciously I started trying to say anything to un-attract him from myself) I realized how utterly bored I was. And that I was SO looking forward to the movie part of our evening, because I wouldn’t have to talk to him. Poor soul.

Joking and chuckling in the car, we got to the movie theatre and I insisted on watching An Education (which is great, go see it) instead of Paranormal Activity, because I sure wasn’t 1) going to mix my bored feelings for him with the apparently terrifying demon haunting of the latter movie and 2) there was no way in hell I was gonna bring him home with me to fight possible nightmares about aforementioned demons.

After the movie I was stupid enough to agree to keep on hanging out. So I brought him to my neighborhood bar and mentioned that my roommates are going to visit very soon as well! God, I needed my roommates there as the conversation with M became inbred – we talked about absolute bullshit. He brought up his ex, and how he wants to settled down, and how I could visit Hamilton (I don’t want to go to Hamilton) and so on and so forth.

Then he tried to invite himself over as both of us got pretty tired, and around midnight I became adamant on leaving the bar and going to bed. He wondered if he could crash, and usually I let my friends stay if, heck, the way home is long and such, but I wanted to get rid of this guy ASAP, and definitely didn’t want to deal with him in the morning. Personal space, please. Anyway, I got rid of him and decided that it was time to draft a rejection letter before all this boredom got out of control.

Photo by scragz on flickr

Takeaway: If you find yourself utterly bored with another person, don’t take it as your inability to be interesting or your “snobbishness”. There are plenty of people who aren’t intellectually compatible with you. Nip it in the bud and stop wasting your time on thinking about how to get out of the miserable situation. And definitely spread the word to other ladies and gentlemen out there. Boredom is a sin, rid yourself of it.