Review: OkCupid

I first came across OKCupid back in 2005 (maybe late 2004, randomly) after being redirected to one of their tests from Livejournal (oh yeah, I’ve been blogging since 2002. I just checked – I received over 18,000 comments back in the day, was I ever committed to LJ). OKCupid was originally mostly a site for quizzes. I still remember the days of mediocre design and all kinds of silly tests that I took with fervor. I guess at young age you want to know yourself more than anything.

OkCupid is always free. Always been. Over the years the ads deteriorated in my opinion, or maybe I’m paying more attention now.

Behind OKCupid stand the creators of Spark.Com and Sparknotes.com. They are mathematicians and entrepreneurs from Harvard and MIT. I think that was one part of the appeal for me. Also the fact that it is a website from young people with a sense of humor, it is a website made for young people. In my experience I’ve seen the largest number of alternative types on OkCupid than on any other website. I also found the most creative profiles there.

OkCupid also has a great blog where you can find a variety of interesting studies based on the data that users submit to OkCupid. I’m a sucker for data, studies and findings, especially when it relates to online dating and such. The blog, called OkTrends, offers information on the topics of Optimum Message Length,  Your Looks and Your Inbox, The 4 Myths of Profile Pictures and more.

Also, it’s a well-designed website. Not only is it Ajax-heavy and requiring minimum page refreshing, but it boasts a variety of tools and widgets like winks, awards (!), profile edits (if you’re a friend), quivers, ice breakers and more. The site runs smoothly.  I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the visit length is a lot higher than the average. One of my favorite aspects is the fact that when you receive a newsletter from them, or an e-mail informing you that somebody sent you a message, you can read it with one simple click. The website will auto-login you. Amazing.

I’ve met a lot of people there, went on some dates as well. Not that I’ve dated anyone from the website, but when do I ever date anyone?

Guest Post: How to Bat Above Your League

We have a guest post, guys. A male opinion this time, just to shake things up a bit. Stay tuned for more posts.

Have you ever seen those guys going out with women that are much, much more physically attractive than they are? I was recently re-watching the classic Who Framed Roger Rabbit and wondered how a character like that was able to make Jessica Rabbit fall desperately in love with him? Eddie the detective shares my interest and asks the same question with Jessica simply replying “he makes me laugh”.  There’s that and she also makes the reference later on that he is quite talented as a lover.  But there has to be more than just making a gal laugh otherwise every funny guy walking around would be dating a Jessica Rabbit.  So what other factors are involved how for a guy to convince a girl who is much more physically attractive than he is to date him?

Show off the Goods!

Let’s face it fellas, physical attraction is a very influential factor so its important to know what your best physical qualities are and showcase them.  If you’re tall, be sure to stand straight and avoid slouching in sitting encounters.  If you consider yourself to be in good shape then it may be a good idea to ask if she wants to work out with you.

Wordsmithing

Next would be initiating the conversation.  When speaking with the woman, make sure to sound friendly by starting with a joke or a nice compliment (make sure it’s not too intense). Remember to speak in a confident, definitely not shy and awkward manner.  Keep conversations going with questions and stories that she can relate to, which will lead to her being interested in talking to you a consistent basis.

Timing

After a couple of friendly encounters make a move.  I’m sure you will at this point have an idea of whether she would be up for a night out with you alone but I would almost always suggest you plus your friends first.  That way she can see more good qualities about you and also you can signal your buddies to back off so you can at least have some one on one time.  It is important to get some alone time outside your normal meeting places or else you will end up in the dreaded “Friend Zone”.  My rule for the friend zone is pretty simple.  The greater disparity between physical attractiveness levels, the quicker the friend zone expands.

Personality

Almost every girl will say they would rather have a guy with a great personality versus just being ridiculously good looking.  I agree 100% but the truth is that men and women will keep looking for a mate with a bit of both.  Having an attractive personality can still be a powerful factor.  Position yourself as being a fun loving, positive person.  Just like Roger Rabbit, having the ability to make a girl laugh can the edge you need to beating out those male models you assume she really wants to date.

Remember, batting above your league is an uphill battle.  It requires some great strategy, training and a little luck.  Don’t be offended if you’re turned down.  Physical attractiveness is a heavy influence when it comes to attraction and eventually someone will take notice of your talents.

Last Good Bye

Via Torontoist I found this very poignant video created by the third year Radio & Television students from Ryerson.

Last words, a handshake, the goodbye. The final glance and a wave of the hand.

About the First/Second Dates Again

I’ve been talking to my friend about first/second/third dates, about the idea of assertiveness and gender expectations recently. There are several scenarios here. We’ve all probably been in one or another.

When you go on a date, and you don’t know whether you like the other person, you give it another try (or you don’t. Or they don’t. Or neither of you are interested.) Okay. What if at some point they become quite assertive and ask questions that require serious consideration before answering. What if you yourself just want to cut the crap and figure out whether you’re interested in reducing a 4-month saga to a few week’s decision.

There’s also an interesting issue with either ladies or gentlemen being assertive. I’ve noticed that ladies either like it when men chase after them, or are extremely interested in meeting on a short notice and multiple times (seriously, asking to meet several times a day for three days in a row, via text messages? It’s cute but annoying, too). As long as it’s not stalker-y, it’s cute.

When ladies are assertive about meeting and during the date (leading the conversation, sort of interviewing the gentleman – time is precious), they freak out at times. Do gentlemen really prefer the quiet, homely types? The types who wait to be asked a question? I know several damsels who like to know where they stand so as not to waste their time. They ask or figure it out somehow, and either pursue or – usually, – let it go. The boys keep running back! But they get ignored. And others don’t mind the sagas. Sagas are great to determine if there is someone better one can end up with. Look at the bright side

Another selfish and me-specific notion. The idea of time (and its fast-paced disappearance). It is always on my mind. I just wouldn’t stand the waiting, trying to figure out whether I like them or not, hoping/not knowing whether they do, or whether I do. A great sign is when you hit it off enough to let go of societal constructions about how your string of communications should proceed next. Think about it. You like each other enough to start communicating a lot; there isn’t a 2-3-4 day rule or whatever. But that kind of ease only happens with star-crossed lovers. Mortals, it seems, have to jump through the hoops.

Of course, the contemporary life makes us even more neurotic given the preposterous number of tools we have. Calling, texting, e-mailing, Facebook messages/wall scribbles/likes/pokes, Tweeting in some cases, blogging (snooping on their blogs, sites, whatever). There’s just so many points of contact that it’s easy to go overboard. I remember the good days of MSN/phone (I don’t do MSN messenger anymore), and then real meetings.

At the end of the day, it may become better to date friends of friends with whom you’ve hung out (or neighbors!), or even seeing an old friend in a new light than trying to construct a relationship with a complete stranger.

What to Have in Your Apartment to Interest Ladies

This morning I (somehow) stumbled on Bullz Eye, which is apparently an online men’s magazine. I don’t know who really reads it, and it looks like it has some potential once the writers up their ante, but let’s get back to the point of the post.

Some items I think are pretty interesting, while others are lame. Let’s dip into the list.

• Pets. Having a pet would certainly get my attention. Not only are pets usually cute, but their residence in a man’s place suggests that he is responsible enough to take care of another living creature. (Although cats don’t really do it for me. Unless they’re the deadly Siamese breed or the ultra tiny toddler kittty. Or a bunny)

• Pictures. Bullz Eye thinks that having cute collages of your travels and the younger self. While I wouldn’t spend too much time on oogling the poorly photographed Eurotrip (95% chance of that happening, judging from what Facebook travel albums display), I would be more interested in the younger you. Family is nice to have as well so I could get an idea what you might look like with age

• In interesting cooking appliance. That includes a killer collection of knives. Or that ice cream maker. Espresso machine is a hot ticket, too. These ice shot glasses look great! Imagine the culinary possibilities.

• A decent library. I don’t mean you need to possess the Beauty and the Beast kind of a literary bookworm paradise, but it would be nice to have a solid mixture of classics (Plato seems to be the household name), contemporary world literature (Salman Rushdie, J.M. Coetzee), American novels (Kerouac, Hemingway) and something random (we’ll forgive you the Harry Potter and possibly start chatting about how we’re the biggest fan). However, target to your audience and express yourself. If the girl of your dreams is a photographer, show some Avedon. If she doesn’t like the books, hide the more intimidating titles and put something simple on display. I push that Stephen King and Eckhart Tolle to the bottom of my bookshelf, and put Joyce and Nabokov to the eye level.

• Bottles of Wine. Or better, good bottles of wine. I knew a prince who, upon hearing that I liked Pinot Noir, went on a mad research quest, consulted several liquor store employees and brought the $40 every time we hung out. A real gentleman. I’m not advising breaking the bank on wine, but doing a little research and injecting variety into your cellar will pay off. There are plenty of $15.99 vintage gems.

• Hair Conditioner. Ha! Jus Frais suggested that having a conditioner impresses a lady. I’d like to expand on that and add that moisturizing facial cream or an above average shower gel can get an approving squawk. A sign that a man likes to take care of himself and doesn’t let his skin resemble sandpaper.

• Art. You don’t have to fork out thousands of dollars on a unique piece from the Distillery art district. It can be a friend’s item, your own, or even a tasteful reproduction (steer clear of the staple Renoirs, Monets and Manets!). Just show her that you’ve got the eye.

• Games. Games mean activity, fun and interaction. Whether you own a Wii, a Playstation or a set of board games – great. Don’t hide them. There’s at least one game that we love(d) playing.

• Good design. In every respectable city there are dozens of boutique design/furniture shops with interesting items from small to large. Whether it’s a cute spatula or a wobble chess set from Umbra, you can bring her attention to the modern and tasteful you.

What Not to Wear on a First Date

• No flip flops. Summer or no summer, you don’t want to write yourself off as a beach bum, or a 17 year old high schooler, or, worse, a man with surfing aspirations but absolute lack of the beachy environment. Why do Toronto men wear flip flops? We’re not in Miami, and I’d rather see your toes adorned by a fine pair of Adidas Supers or Nike Air Force 1’s. Go to Nice Kicks for sound advice. The right pair of shoes can go a looooong way.

• Uggs. To return to the topic of shoes. If you’ve met in the winter time, and the pretty snow is sure to freeze your toes, uggly uggs are not a solution. NOT a solution. Surely you must possess other, real kind of shoes if you’ve graduated from at least a high school.
• See-through / mesh stuff. Sure, this American Apparel dress is smoking hot on maybe a girlfriend of four months (and maybe inside your abode, depending on how conservative you are), but this certainly doesn’t befit a first date.

• While you’re at it, cut out the PVC.
• Sweat pants – however cute that may look on a girl, sweat pants ooze laziness, lack of style, general boredom and zero imagination. Not a great first impression.
• Lululemon wear. Unless your date is at a hot yoga studio, do not try to pull off the semi-athletic or semi-yogabend streak of yours. Take the extra minute or two to get out of your skin-hugging uniform.
• On the opposite spectrum, you might intimidate your date with a tuxedo or a complete suit. As much as I like a sharp-looking man, the less enthused ladies may have a spill over a possibly intimidating appearance.

• Poop hat does not deliver the right kind of a message.

• Assless chaps. While MJ says that Assless Chaps are for only the trendiest trend setters. and “Cool hunting begins in the butt” (roaring laughter please), the majority of humans can’t pull it off. So don’t try it. Not even at the gay parade!
  
• Ed Hardy wearables. Someone just commented on how innocent I am with my lack of thorough knowledge of the Ed Hardy SS 2010, I say, thank god. By now I’ve researched what I’ve seen on the streets. And please. DO NOT WEAR THIS:

Your suggestions? What should you not wear?

Takeaway: the best thing you can do is be yourself. Dress comfortably. Perhaps choose a little more subdued colors than you would normally go for. Accessorize tastefully. Remember that less is more (in terms of colors and accessories, not the amount of clothing you wear). Do not hang out at the extremes of “max relax” (sweatpants) or “uppity up” (full on suit).

I’m a Sucker for a Woman That’s Kinky Like I Am

Poor chap, but a funny chap.

There is this wonderfully lighthearted (or maybe not?) website, Dating on Demand, that lets your participate in a “casting call” for dates. It mysteriously caters to less than the most popular US destinations. New York City, and Los Angeles are not served. Or the television teams just haven’t gotten around to it.

Here is a gem of gems. “I am culture… I like going to museums and stuff… Going to the symphony”

He’s a GOTH!

“The worst date I would ever been on… was the time when I was out to a westraunt… and my ex-girlfriend was starting to have a manic freeze.”

“The funniest thing that happened to me on a date… was a woman hooking up with me at a comedy factory and the comedian cracking jokes about it.”

AND SO ON. I cried. It was that humorous.

eHarmony Review

Having been reluctant to try any online dating services, since the real life is so  busy and complicated, I gave in and tried eHarmony to see what the fuss is about. To start, you need to answer 258 questions about your background, your personality and your preferences. Beware, however, if you do not qualify for the eHarmony service, you will not be told so until the end of the questionnaire. Known reasons for rejection are because the user is already married, is younger than 60 and has been married more than four times, is under the minimum age of 21. This just in: if you’re an atheist, you’re likely to get rejected as well.

About the married point – eHarmony advocates serious relationships and is a big proponent of marriage. If you’re looking for simple flings or are in the married arena, but for whatever reason want to pursue the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side adventures, may I direct you to Married but Lonely service.

Moving on the topic of finding The One using the best invention of the twentieth century, the internet.

It takes a while to answer the 258 questions, some of which can be modified later of course. I recommend doing that later to adjust your matches and to self-reflect. However, the questions are worth it as not only will they get you a prescreened handful of matches (do you know how painful it is to sift through 95% of profiles that have nothing to offer?), but also a personality profile. I find my personality profile to be quite accurate. Heck, one shouldn’t be surprised at one’s personal profile (know thyself), but what I like about eHarmony’s report is that it’s detailed, well-written, illuminating and covers several sides of the story. It describes 5 dimensions – agreeableness, openness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, extraversion, – and how you can be described in those fields; it also identifies both positive and negative responses others may have toward you. The latter part really helps with understanding that for some people you may just be too much, and others can’t make a step without consulting their oracles, astrologers, moms and dads. But I digress.

For example, in Openness category which deals with how firmly committed you are to the ideas and beliefs that govern your thinking and guide your behavior. It deals with various ways of thinking and believing. On the openness dimension I’m curious and contended, can be described as original, thinker, brave, eccentric, avant garde, out-of-touch, unique and inventive. Then the paragraph goes on about seeing like an artist, solving problems creatively, breaking conventions and more. It also covers negative reactions others may have towards me (those people that like living in the tried and true, familiar bubbles) as well as positive responses (people respecting my courage, innovative and unconventional ideas that are actually deeply rooted in sound ideas and tested beliefs). And more. You get about 8 times as much text as I’ve written in the above paragraph.

It takes about 24 hours to start receiving the matches. There were about 15+ million users last November, and you can imagine that it takes a while to match you up with other people based on your personality profile. The personality traits I’ve described above play a crucial role in how you receive match recommendations. eHarmony founder, a deeply Christian Dr Neil Clark Warren, psychologist and author of successful relationship advice books, built the website based on his 35 years of experience, complex algorithms and sound relationship advice.

On that note, eHarmony website has a great advice website. Some posts are simple and obvious, while others are illuminating and useful. Definitely check out the advice section so as not to make a fool out of yourself in online dating communication and/or actual dates.

So! The matching is also based on the following categories (where you can customize desired matches)

• distance where you indicate your postal code and max distance you can endure
• personal preferences, covering basic items like smoking, alcohol, children, age
• background and beliefs (religion, ethnicity, education, income)
• preferred communication type: open or guided, but more on that below
• nice-to-haves: only height. Why not weight too?

You can choose to communicate via relationship questions, which are broken down into 5 multiple choice questions, followed by must haves/can’t stands (in my opinion, these are influenced by past relationships and even change based on the match), followed my short answer questions, which are then followed by the ability to send messages to each other. Of course, you can request a Fast Track and start planning those dates right away!

It’s a good service, with strong analysis and, doubtless, a strong algorithm to match people together. Give it a try.

As for my dates? That’s for future posts!