Guest Post: How to Bat Above Your League

We have a guest post, guys. A male opinion this time, just to shake things up a bit. Stay tuned for more posts.

Have you ever seen those guys going out with women that are much, much more physically attractive than they are? I was recently re-watching the classic Who Framed Roger Rabbit and wondered how a character like that was able to make Jessica Rabbit fall desperately in love with him? Eddie the detective shares my interest and asks the same question with Jessica simply replying “he makes me laugh”.  There’s that and she also makes the reference later on that he is quite talented as a lover.  But there has to be more than just making a gal laugh otherwise every funny guy walking around would be dating a Jessica Rabbit.  So what other factors are involved how for a guy to convince a girl who is much more physically attractive than he is to date him?

Show off the Goods!

Let’s face it fellas, physical attraction is a very influential factor so its important to know what your best physical qualities are and showcase them.  If you’re tall, be sure to stand straight and avoid slouching in sitting encounters.  If you consider yourself to be in good shape then it may be a good idea to ask if she wants to work out with you.

Wordsmithing

Next would be initiating the conversation.  When speaking with the woman, make sure to sound friendly by starting with a joke or a nice compliment (make sure it’s not too intense). Remember to speak in a confident, definitely not shy and awkward manner.  Keep conversations going with questions and stories that she can relate to, which will lead to her being interested in talking to you a consistent basis.

Timing

After a couple of friendly encounters make a move.  I’m sure you will at this point have an idea of whether she would be up for a night out with you alone but I would almost always suggest you plus your friends first.  That way she can see more good qualities about you and also you can signal your buddies to back off so you can at least have some one on one time.  It is important to get some alone time outside your normal meeting places or else you will end up in the dreaded “Friend Zone”.  My rule for the friend zone is pretty simple.  The greater disparity between physical attractiveness levels, the quicker the friend zone expands.

Personality

Almost every girl will say they would rather have a guy with a great personality versus just being ridiculously good looking.  I agree 100% but the truth is that men and women will keep looking for a mate with a bit of both.  Having an attractive personality can still be a powerful factor.  Position yourself as being a fun loving, positive person.  Just like Roger Rabbit, having the ability to make a girl laugh can the edge you need to beating out those male models you assume she really wants to date.

Remember, batting above your league is an uphill battle.  It requires some great strategy, training and a little luck.  Don’t be offended if you’re turned down.  Physical attractiveness is a heavy influence when it comes to attraction and eventually someone will take notice of your talents.

About the First/Second Dates Again

I’ve been talking to my friend about first/second/third dates, about the idea of assertiveness and gender expectations recently. There are several scenarios here. We’ve all probably been in one or another.

When you go on a date, and you don’t know whether you like the other person, you give it another try (or you don’t. Or they don’t. Or neither of you are interested.) Okay. What if at some point they become quite assertive and ask questions that require serious consideration before answering. What if you yourself just want to cut the crap and figure out whether you’re interested in reducing a 4-month saga to a few week’s decision.

There’s also an interesting issue with either ladies or gentlemen being assertive. I’ve noticed that ladies either like it when men chase after them, or are extremely interested in meeting on a short notice and multiple times (seriously, asking to meet several times a day for three days in a row, via text messages? It’s cute but annoying, too). As long as it’s not stalker-y, it’s cute.

When ladies are assertive about meeting and during the date (leading the conversation, sort of interviewing the gentleman – time is precious), they freak out at times. Do gentlemen really prefer the quiet, homely types? The types who wait to be asked a question? I know several damsels who like to know where they stand so as not to waste their time. They ask or figure it out somehow, and either pursue or – usually, – let it go. The boys keep running back! But they get ignored. And others don’t mind the sagas. Sagas are great to determine if there is someone better one can end up with. Look at the bright side

Another selfish and me-specific notion. The idea of time (and its fast-paced disappearance). It is always on my mind. I just wouldn’t stand the waiting, trying to figure out whether I like them or not, hoping/not knowing whether they do, or whether I do. A great sign is when you hit it off enough to let go of societal constructions about how your string of communications should proceed next. Think about it. You like each other enough to start communicating a lot; there isn’t a 2-3-4 day rule or whatever. But that kind of ease only happens with star-crossed lovers. Mortals, it seems, have to jump through the hoops.

Of course, the contemporary life makes us even more neurotic given the preposterous number of tools we have. Calling, texting, e-mailing, Facebook messages/wall scribbles/likes/pokes, Tweeting in some cases, blogging (snooping on their blogs, sites, whatever). There’s just so many points of contact that it’s easy to go overboard. I remember the good days of MSN/phone (I don’t do MSN messenger anymore), and then real meetings.

At the end of the day, it may become better to date friends of friends with whom you’ve hung out (or neighbors!), or even seeing an old friend in a new light than trying to construct a relationship with a complete stranger.

The Mini Stalker

I sometimes suffer from the gum-stuck-to-the-shoe problem. You know, you’re doing your thing, walking around, being yourself, and – bam, – step on something you didn’t see and now the sole of your shoe is covered in gum. How irritating.

The same happens with people sometimes, right? I have a semi-stalker story.

I’m not really bothered by the idea of having a stalker. It was never on the list of “scary things”. Of course, the stalker I have in my mind is the non-threatening type who is too shy to approach me. Something who isn’t frightening or leaving dead pigeons on my doorstep.

I met this person at a celebration last year, and we danced and talked a lot. I definitely received a lot of compliments, which is always nice. He seemed jolly. Was dressed smart, which suited him. Among a group of friends (and without saying much of anything, really) he seemed interesting, so we decided to hang out.

Oh God.

We drove to the beach – or, rather, the “beach” here in Toronto (I don’t count anything that’s on a real ocean as a beach, which does not mean I’m criticizing the Beaches neighborhood – I love it there) – to hang out.  Halfway there, I already felt bored. I talked about work, that fills up some time, and I get really passionate about it.

He didn’t have a job. Oh?

Acting aspirations. Oh, of course! Former snowboard instructor. Oh, that type.

I’ll spare you the date itself, but we sat on a bench, and looked at serene water. It’s not that I started to run out of topics for conversations, it’s that I received agreement to EVERYTHING. He lacked any kind of opinion. He nodded to everything. Or simply had nothing to say.

Then he took out a sketchbook and we did a minimalist rendition of what was in front of us. Few lines, a flicker of a bird, child digging in the sand.

Anyway, I won’t spare you the rest of the depressing details, but I had to kick him out in the evening, after having invited friends over to save me from this terrible visitor.

I never saw him in person again.

But my oh my, did I receive phone calls from random numbers (since he didn’t have a cell phone at the time)! I always received Facebook chats from him. And he liked every status update of mine. And said weird things like, “Hey, you’re a good one.” Yeah, duh. Except that coming from him that phrase sounded oblique and obscure.

And then there were invites to most ridiculous events like the Jay Z concert afterparty. I responded, “uh, sorry, I’m not into rap”. And he said, “Yeah, right, I know u like beatz” or something like that. I think the comment was inspired by my interests in techno. There is a world of difference between Jay Z and German minimal techno.

I received messages with various numbers I should call, and invitations to come out when I was visiting his city. Then he moved to Toronto. Tried to meet up with me, but by then I ignored all his messages.

I didn’t contact him at all, but then he apparently came by my house! He messaged with “Did you get my message from the little Asian lady?” I was a dubious as I didn’t receive anything. He said he was in the ‘hood (uh-huh) and left me a message via her.

That’s where my patience expired.

Seriously. What next – waiting by my work or my house?

So I said, “are you gonna be my stalker now?” he got all offended. Thank gods he did, I wanted him off my back! He finally stopped pestering me and I deleted him from Facebook. No more reminders.

Peaceful!

Takeaway: If there is some advice that I can give, that is to cut the potential stalkers in the beginning. Nip it in the bud. If you have a nice girl (or guy – we all know of a guy with a crazy ex-girlfriend story!) tendencies, you may want to lay it down like it is before they build an imaginary post-wedding life with you.

What to Have in Your Apartment to Interest Ladies

This morning I (somehow) stumbled on Bullz Eye, which is apparently an online men’s magazine. I don’t know who really reads it, and it looks like it has some potential once the writers up their ante, but let’s get back to the point of the post.

Some items I think are pretty interesting, while others are lame. Let’s dip into the list.

• Pets. Having a pet would certainly get my attention. Not only are pets usually cute, but their residence in a man’s place suggests that he is responsible enough to take care of another living creature. (Although cats don’t really do it for me. Unless they’re the deadly Siamese breed or the ultra tiny toddler kittty. Or a bunny)

• Pictures. Bullz Eye thinks that having cute collages of your travels and the younger self. While I wouldn’t spend too much time on oogling the poorly photographed Eurotrip (95% chance of that happening, judging from what Facebook travel albums display), I would be more interested in the younger you. Family is nice to have as well so I could get an idea what you might look like with age

• In interesting cooking appliance. That includes a killer collection of knives. Or that ice cream maker. Espresso machine is a hot ticket, too. These ice shot glasses look great! Imagine the culinary possibilities.

• A decent library. I don’t mean you need to possess the Beauty and the Beast kind of a literary bookworm paradise, but it would be nice to have a solid mixture of classics (Plato seems to be the household name), contemporary world literature (Salman Rushdie, J.M. Coetzee), American novels (Kerouac, Hemingway) and something random (we’ll forgive you the Harry Potter and possibly start chatting about how we’re the biggest fan). However, target to your audience and express yourself. If the girl of your dreams is a photographer, show some Avedon. If she doesn’t like the books, hide the more intimidating titles and put something simple on display. I push that Stephen King and Eckhart Tolle to the bottom of my bookshelf, and put Joyce and Nabokov to the eye level.

• Bottles of Wine. Or better, good bottles of wine. I knew a prince who, upon hearing that I liked Pinot Noir, went on a mad research quest, consulted several liquor store employees and brought the $40 every time we hung out. A real gentleman. I’m not advising breaking the bank on wine, but doing a little research and injecting variety into your cellar will pay off. There are plenty of $15.99 vintage gems.

• Hair Conditioner. Ha! Jus Frais suggested that having a conditioner impresses a lady. I’d like to expand on that and add that moisturizing facial cream or an above average shower gel can get an approving squawk. A sign that a man likes to take care of himself and doesn’t let his skin resemble sandpaper.

• Art. You don’t have to fork out thousands of dollars on a unique piece from the Distillery art district. It can be a friend’s item, your own, or even a tasteful reproduction (steer clear of the staple Renoirs, Monets and Manets!). Just show her that you’ve got the eye.

• Games. Games mean activity, fun and interaction. Whether you own a Wii, a Playstation or a set of board games – great. Don’t hide them. There’s at least one game that we love(d) playing.

• Good design. In every respectable city there are dozens of boutique design/furniture shops with interesting items from small to large. Whether it’s a cute spatula or a wobble chess set from Umbra, you can bring her attention to the modern and tasteful you.

What Not to Wear on a First Date

• No flip flops. Summer or no summer, you don’t want to write yourself off as a beach bum, or a 17 year old high schooler, or, worse, a man with surfing aspirations but absolute lack of the beachy environment. Why do Toronto men wear flip flops? We’re not in Miami, and I’d rather see your toes adorned by a fine pair of Adidas Supers or Nike Air Force 1’s. Go to Nice Kicks for sound advice. The right pair of shoes can go a looooong way.

• Uggs. To return to the topic of shoes. If you’ve met in the winter time, and the pretty snow is sure to freeze your toes, uggly uggs are not a solution. NOT a solution. Surely you must possess other, real kind of shoes if you’ve graduated from at least a high school.
• See-through / mesh stuff. Sure, this American Apparel dress is smoking hot on maybe a girlfriend of four months (and maybe inside your abode, depending on how conservative you are), but this certainly doesn’t befit a first date.

• While you’re at it, cut out the PVC.
• Sweat pants – however cute that may look on a girl, sweat pants ooze laziness, lack of style, general boredom and zero imagination. Not a great first impression.
• Lululemon wear. Unless your date is at a hot yoga studio, do not try to pull off the semi-athletic or semi-yogabend streak of yours. Take the extra minute or two to get out of your skin-hugging uniform.
• On the opposite spectrum, you might intimidate your date with a tuxedo or a complete suit. As much as I like a sharp-looking man, the less enthused ladies may have a spill over a possibly intimidating appearance.

• Poop hat does not deliver the right kind of a message.

• Assless chaps. While MJ says that Assless Chaps are for only the trendiest trend setters. and “Cool hunting begins in the butt” (roaring laughter please), the majority of humans can’t pull it off. So don’t try it. Not even at the gay parade!
  
• Ed Hardy wearables. Someone just commented on how innocent I am with my lack of thorough knowledge of the Ed Hardy SS 2010, I say, thank god. By now I’ve researched what I’ve seen on the streets. And please. DO NOT WEAR THIS:

Your suggestions? What should you not wear?

Takeaway: the best thing you can do is be yourself. Dress comfortably. Perhaps choose a little more subdued colors than you would normally go for. Accessorize tastefully. Remember that less is more (in terms of colors and accessories, not the amount of clothing you wear). Do not hang out at the extremes of “max relax” (sweatpants) or “uppity up” (full on suit).

Against boredom the gods themselves fight in vain

That’s what Nietzsche said. (We will return to him eventually)

I also realize that us human beings should feel less guilty about being bored. From time to time. I was raised to believe that I am bored because I can’t entertain myself, or I am bored because I don’t participate enough, or I become bored because I’m stuck in a rut.

Not once was a possibility of the other person being a hopeless and uninteresting bore, explored. Guess what? I’m an educated woman, with a vast array of interests from Italian futurists to 17th century Japanese poetry to financial hedging to squash to Burgundy wine to Czech new wave cinema. And more. I’m able to carry on a conversation, and I can probably recall several interesting points from the last issue of The Economist and a Hemingway book is very likely to fall out of my purse. I can make you laugh and can produce many topics for conversation. So don’t give me the “it’s your problem” answer. It may very well be yours.

Last month I went on two dates with the guy I’m going to tell you about.

When I first met him, M, at a party, I thought he was pretty interesting. He threw out some Russian literature cards (I’m starting to think that anyone who is capable of reading and producing some thoughts brings out the ardent interest in Brothers Karamazov), mentioned having studied philosophy and physics, backpacked around Europe and northern Africa and expressed interest in teaching (down the road). Sounded good.

So we went on a first date, most of which was spent talking about the past – we were telling stories of our European travel to each other, discussed some philosophy, some school, past accomplishments, current jobs, aspirations. Towards the end I kind of noticed that all interesting discussions revolved around his past. His present was full of managing his dad’s printing shop (a little boring), living in Hamilton (where is that? I’ve never been) and going out with the same married friends and not liking hooking up with random people at bars. Okay.

I wasn’t particularly heart-broken to part several hours later. I happily inhaled the fresh October air and went onward with my Saturday evening.

The second date was a killer. We went to an all-you-can eat sushi place, Aji Sai on Queen West, to enjoy some raw fish before going to a movie. The food was great, I was happy to stuff my face with salmon and tuna sashimi because I was growing a little bored of the conversation.  Talking about the present with this guy was not that fun – I wasn’t interested in stories about his friends (married and with problems — what a great turn on; what am I supposed to say besides that some of his friends are bored/made a mistake early in their life/are doomed to the suburban hell?). I wasn’t interested in his future, I wasn’t even particularly excited to hear about technical issues at work and the runaround that gave him.

I couldn’t help but wonder why it was that I really wanted to check my phone, text my roommate to come rescue me, or see what Twitter has been up to, anything to distract myself from the guy.

Then half-way through my own sentence (something really high-pitched and unintelligent – subconsciously I started trying to say anything to un-attract him from myself) I realized how utterly bored I was. And that I was SO looking forward to the movie part of our evening, because I wouldn’t have to talk to him. Poor soul.

Joking and chuckling in the car, we got to the movie theatre and I insisted on watching An Education (which is great, go see it) instead of Paranormal Activity, because I sure wasn’t 1) going to mix my bored feelings for him with the apparently terrifying demon haunting of the latter movie and 2) there was no way in hell I was gonna bring him home with me to fight possible nightmares about aforementioned demons.

After the movie I was stupid enough to agree to keep on hanging out. So I brought him to my neighborhood bar and mentioned that my roommates are going to visit very soon as well! God, I needed my roommates there as the conversation with M became inbred – we talked about absolute bullshit. He brought up his ex, and how he wants to settled down, and how I could visit Hamilton (I don’t want to go to Hamilton) and so on and so forth.

Then he tried to invite himself over as both of us got pretty tired, and around midnight I became adamant on leaving the bar and going to bed. He wondered if he could crash, and usually I let my friends stay if, heck, the way home is long and such, but I wanted to get rid of this guy ASAP, and definitely didn’t want to deal with him in the morning. Personal space, please. Anyway, I got rid of him and decided that it was time to draft a rejection letter before all this boredom got out of control.

Photo by scragz on flickr

Takeaway: If you find yourself utterly bored with another person, don’t take it as your inability to be interesting or your “snobbishness”. There are plenty of people who aren’t intellectually compatible with you. Nip it in the bud and stop wasting your time on thinking about how to get out of the miserable situation. And definitely spread the word to other ladies and gentlemen out there. Boredom is a sin, rid yourself of it.