Someone’s Lover’s Lover

Have you ever been in lo-, erm, been infatuated with (at least!) someone who was “taken” by another person?

(First, let’s get the semantics out of the way and agree that nobody is really “taken” completely by another person. It’s the choice that the subject of our desire makes, to be “taken” by another.)

It seems that this is something that occurs to young, inexperience people in the dating arena, or the jaded.

The setup: A boy or a girl:

A) gets burned by their previous lover and develops a slight reluctance to connect with other people, or perhaps does not feel interested enough by almost anybody around them. Becomes jaded, reckless, picky/not-so-picky, experimental, unattached and pretty damn irritating to those who still have their hearts (& wits) about them if you ask me.

B) has been dating someone for such a long time that after all these years the original compatibility evaporated and all that is left is the pleasant momentum from years before. The duo is still “together”, loyal and blind. But lo and behold! The couple became separated by distance due to higher education, jobs, whatever. Distance, my dear, that means that the boy or the girl is “free” in the new arena.

Without the watchful (or annoying) eye of the significant other, the boy or a girl i) becomes exceptionally promiscuous, but still not emotionally attached to new people; ii) religiously devoted to the first high school lover, writing poems, installing video cameras all over the house, signing up for long distance and constantly updating the other on his/hers whereabouts; iii) falling in love with a new and intriguing person (but we are dismissing this situation for the purpose of this post).

The problem: You come along and meet the boy or a girl of your interests. You go for drinks, you watch films, you dance together, you find each other intelligent. You connect, you start making memories together. Nothing is wrong.

Until the moment when your love interest comes over at 2AM, you offer them wine, and sit them down. You turn on the record player and listen to the oldies. It’s bliss, you’re expecting a relatively fast scene change to the bedroom and repeat the ruckus that you did to the bedframe a week ago.

Except: “Every time I go to Paris, I am with Milena. When she visits Toronto, we are together.”

What?

Your narrative of a potential relationship falls apart at the seams the moment you hear this condition. You’re someone’s lover’s lover. Fifth wheel, third person, what are your chances for survival? What is this? Is the crush still 12, thinking that long distance relationships will find a way? Is the crush really 28, if he/she likes to keep the options open, satisfying the selfish desires left, right and center, while hurting innocent souls?

Run!

I would like to make clear several remarks about situations like these:

- Does the crush really like the distant lover much, if he/she invests in 10+ dates with the present open-hearted beauty?

- If the crush makes these clear double standards, then is he/she even worthwhile to invest your precious time into? Imagine you become apart for a month (due to business) – would you trust him/her as much, knowing their fleeting interests?

- Jaded people who like to keep all their options open, who can’t commit to one person need to sort out their personal problems first. Forget it. It is never wise to get involved with someone who cannot make a decision, who is afraid to get involved, who is neither here nor there. Let them loose.

Listen to all their narratives with the most angelic and understanding face. Try to utter the kindest remark possible. Usher them out of your house. Then delete them from your life. Maybe even send a “Fuck You” text message.