What Not to Wear on a First Date

• No flip flops. Summer or no summer, you don’t want to write yourself off as a beach bum, or a 17 year old high schooler, or, worse, a man with surfing aspirations but absolute lack of the beachy environment. Why do Toronto men wear flip flops? We’re not in Miami, and I’d rather see your toes adorned by a fine pair of Adidas Supers or Nike Air Force 1’s. Go to Nice Kicks for sound advice. The right pair of shoes can go a looooong way.

• Uggs. To return to the topic of shoes. If you’ve met in the winter time, and the pretty snow is sure to freeze your toes, uggly uggs are not a solution. NOT a solution. Surely you must possess other, real kind of shoes if you’ve graduated from at least a high school.
• See-through / mesh stuff. Sure, this American Apparel dress is smoking hot on maybe a girlfriend of four months (and maybe inside your abode, depending on how conservative you are), but this certainly doesn’t befit a first date.

• While you’re at it, cut out the PVC.
• Sweat pants – however cute that may look on a girl, sweat pants ooze laziness, lack of style, general boredom and zero imagination. Not a great first impression.
• Lululemon wear. Unless your date is at a hot yoga studio, do not try to pull off the semi-athletic or semi-yogabend streak of yours. Take the extra minute or two to get out of your skin-hugging uniform.
• On the opposite spectrum, you might intimidate your date with a tuxedo or a complete suit. As much as I like a sharp-looking man, the less enthused ladies may have a spill over a possibly intimidating appearance.

• Poop hat does not deliver the right kind of a message.

• Assless chaps. While MJ says that Assless Chaps are for only the trendiest trend setters. and “Cool hunting begins in the butt” (roaring laughter please), the majority of humans can’t pull it off. So don’t try it. Not even at the gay parade!
  
• Ed Hardy wearables. Someone just commented on how innocent I am with my lack of thorough knowledge of the Ed Hardy SS 2010, I say, thank god. By now I’ve researched what I’ve seen on the streets. And please. DO NOT WEAR THIS:

Your suggestions? What should you not wear?

Takeaway: the best thing you can do is be yourself. Dress comfortably. Perhaps choose a little more subdued colors than you would normally go for. Accessorize tastefully. Remember that less is more (in terms of colors and accessories, not the amount of clothing you wear). Do not hang out at the extremes of “max relax” (sweatpants) or “uppity up” (full on suit).

I’m a Sucker for a Woman That’s Kinky Like I Am

Poor chap, but a funny chap.

There is this wonderfully lighthearted (or maybe not?) website, Dating on Demand, that lets your participate in a “casting call” for dates. It mysteriously caters to less than the most popular US destinations. New York City, and Los Angeles are not served. Or the television teams just haven’t gotten around to it.

Here is a gem of gems. “I am culture… I like going to museums and stuff… Going to the symphony”

He’s a GOTH!

“The worst date I would ever been on… was the time when I was out to a westraunt… and my ex-girlfriend was starting to have a manic freeze.”

“The funniest thing that happened to me on a date… was a woman hooking up with me at a comedy factory and the comedian cracking jokes about it.”

AND SO ON. I cried. It was that humorous.

eHarmony Review

Having been reluctant to try any online dating services, since the real life is so  busy and complicated, I gave in and tried eHarmony to see what the fuss is about. To start, you need to answer 258 questions about your background, your personality and your preferences. Beware, however, if you do not qualify for the eHarmony service, you will not be told so until the end of the questionnaire. Known reasons for rejection are because the user is already married, is younger than 60 and has been married more than four times, is under the minimum age of 21. This just in: if you’re an atheist, you’re likely to get rejected as well.

About the married point – eHarmony advocates serious relationships and is a big proponent of marriage. If you’re looking for simple flings or are in the married arena, but for whatever reason want to pursue the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side adventures, may I direct you to Married but Lonely service.

Moving on the topic of finding The One using the best invention of the twentieth century, the internet.

It takes a while to answer the 258 questions, some of which can be modified later of course. I recommend doing that later to adjust your matches and to self-reflect. However, the questions are worth it as not only will they get you a prescreened handful of matches (do you know how painful it is to sift through 95% of profiles that have nothing to offer?), but also a personality profile. I find my personality profile to be quite accurate. Heck, one shouldn’t be surprised at one’s personal profile (know thyself), but what I like about eHarmony’s report is that it’s detailed, well-written, illuminating and covers several sides of the story. It describes 5 dimensions – agreeableness, openness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, extraversion, – and how you can be described in those fields; it also identifies both positive and negative responses others may have toward you. The latter part really helps with understanding that for some people you may just be too much, and others can’t make a step without consulting their oracles, astrologers, moms and dads. But I digress.

For example, in Openness category which deals with how firmly committed you are to the ideas and beliefs that govern your thinking and guide your behavior. It deals with various ways of thinking and believing. On the openness dimension I’m curious and contended, can be described as original, thinker, brave, eccentric, avant garde, out-of-touch, unique and inventive. Then the paragraph goes on about seeing like an artist, solving problems creatively, breaking conventions and more. It also covers negative reactions others may have towards me (those people that like living in the tried and true, familiar bubbles) as well as positive responses (people respecting my courage, innovative and unconventional ideas that are actually deeply rooted in sound ideas and tested beliefs). And more. You get about 8 times as much text as I’ve written in the above paragraph.

It takes about 24 hours to start receiving the matches. There were about 15+ million users last November, and you can imagine that it takes a while to match you up with other people based on your personality profile. The personality traits I’ve described above play a crucial role in how you receive match recommendations. eHarmony founder, a deeply Christian Dr Neil Clark Warren, psychologist and author of successful relationship advice books, built the website based on his 35 years of experience, complex algorithms and sound relationship advice.

On that note, eHarmony website has a great advice website. Some posts are simple and obvious, while others are illuminating and useful. Definitely check out the advice section so as not to make a fool out of yourself in online dating communication and/or actual dates.

So! The matching is also based on the following categories (where you can customize desired matches)

• distance where you indicate your postal code and max distance you can endure
• personal preferences, covering basic items like smoking, alcohol, children, age
• background and beliefs (religion, ethnicity, education, income)
• preferred communication type: open or guided, but more on that below
• nice-to-haves: only height. Why not weight too?

You can choose to communicate via relationship questions, which are broken down into 5 multiple choice questions, followed by must haves/can’t stands (in my opinion, these are influenced by past relationships and even change based on the match), followed my short answer questions, which are then followed by the ability to send messages to each other. Of course, you can request a Fast Track and start planning those dates right away!

It’s a good service, with strong analysis and, doubtless, a strong algorithm to match people together. Give it a try.

As for my dates? That’s for future posts!

The Worst Online Dating Profile

What are the elements of a crappy online dating profile? Take note, and edit yours if need be. I’ll cheat and tell you that you should do as you see fit, but applying the 180 degree turn to the following information would be a smart idea.

Pretend your neighbor wrote your profile. Include all the basic things like “going out with friends”, “playing sports”, “reading books”, “watching movies/TV”. You should not lie and add the most basic TV shows that the whole country knows and watches, because god knows that American Idol differentiates you from the rest.

Adjectives 101. Of course you are smart, funny, athletic, caring, spontaneous, honest, serious. Don’t forget adventurous and curious. Just fill the page with adjectives. Thesaurus.com is a great place for finding more.

Sound as mechanical as possible. Robots can also fill out dating profiles, don’t you know? One-word answers are much appreciated too. Also “ask me” call to action really does the trick if you follow all other rules listed here.

Post an ugly photo of yourself. And if you don’t have any uglies, then make sure you’re wearing sunglasses or hats in your photo. Preferably both at the same time. Shirtless photos are excellent for men, and bikini shots are recommended for women. No smiling (assume passport photo attitude).

Do not compare your profile to others in your area. The less competitive analysis you do & make less attempts to differentiate yourself, the better. In no way should you stand out.

It’s good to talk about the past. It’s important to show that you still remember all the terrible things that happened between you and your ex. Accept that, mention it on your profile. Emphasize the importance of honesty and loyalty in the presence!

Jokes are OK! To show off your sense of humor (listed in the first point), do keep your profile funny. People like to laugh and everybody wants a joker in their social circles.

List your long-term relationship goals. It’s important to tell everyone what kind of family life you are looking for. They need to know what they’re getting themselves into. If you want to settle down with 3  kids in a suburban home, Golden retriever Maggie and a giant grill, say it now!

You can tweak the truth a little. According to Personals Trainer, women tend to lie about their weight and age. Men lie about height and income. Go ahead and support the statistic. Embellish the reality a little, god knows it’s a dreary life out there.

Wait for magic. Things do happen when you complete a personals profile in accordance with the above formula. I promise your inbox is going to explode w

Had a good laugh yet?

What Is a Date?

Date [deyt]
- noun

1. An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.
2. One’s companion on such an outing.

Meriam-Webster above gives us a reasonable meaning, among definitions of “sweet, oblong fruit” and “duration” and “betray the age of”. What constitutes a date? If it is any kind of event or engagement with another person, no matter whether I was attracted to them or not, or only when the other party was, then I’ve had innumerable dates. I’ve rarely had the dates where I looked at myself in the mirror and said, This is it! (Probably because I had been in a relationship for a very long time.)

What is a date? There definitely has to be romantic interest, at least on one party’s behalf. I like the relaxed approach – I view “dates” as get togethers and hang-outs. We’re here to hang out and do something. Especially when I’m not romantically interested. I’m here to try the especially wonderful duck terrine and homemade blueberry bison salami. You’re here to get in my pants, but good luck with that. We’re here to get to know each other. You’re set to meet for Thursday dinner to prescreen each other (if you didn’t have enough pre-screening already that is). So relax. It’s an information interview.

flickr photo by eyeliam

Few weekends ago an annoying incident happened. I was innocently meeting up with an acquaintance to watch a film when another acquaintance barged in and joined us. I didn’t really mind except for the fact that the fresh arrival was a little over the top and not particularly friendly. But we all stuck around for the duration of the movie entertainment. Afterwards the annoying acquaintance messaged saying he was sorry for interrupting my date. “What date?!” Was I the only one who was dubious about the date? and actually offended, because I didn’t like my friend romantically at all. People really should stop reading into others’ lives.

Of course there was a time when I was very much interested in this particular person Z, and prepped like there was no tomorrow before every opportunity to see him. That was overkill. Just because you were into someone and you scored some face time with them, won’t mean that the other person will reciprocate. Moreover, during dinner with Z he blurted out that he had a video editing session planned right after dinner. That’s when I thought to myself, Fuck that. This guy is a complete tool and I’m not going to have any more of it. I never contacted him again.

Takeaway: A date is whatever you say it is. If you go all out, wearing your best dress, best shoes and most beautiful smile you’ve got in your arsenal, it’s a damn date, no matter what. Because you said so. Whether the other party has fallen for you or not yet, doesn’t suspect it’s a date, or does and is excited, as long as you put yourself in the right mindset, then no matter what, it will be a date. Keep in mind that your positive attitude, confidence and class can elevate the most random meeting into a sparkling date.

And on the opposite end of the spectrum, no matter how excited your feeble companion gets, or no matter which acquaintance barges in on you two at a whatever establishment, thinking that you two were on a date, ignore them. Don’t apologize either. Your time is valuable and if someone doesn’t have what it takes to fill it up and help produce fireworks, then forget it.

Social Lurkers & Social Bigmouths

“Well, this one is very backward. He’s still on Hotmail, which he checks once a day, I had to explain what del.icio.us was, he has an ancient and cracked Motorola phone – ”
“That’s all right”
“He’s not even on Facebook”
Pause
“Oh.”

Modern technology is a wonderful thing. Having iPhones and Android phones, sending Twitter updates, keeping tabs on Facebook friends, sending text messages across the globe, read blogs, watching videos produced by our friends… and more. I’ve been saying recently that it’s a lot harder not to produce digital content. Everyone has something to say, whether it’s complaining about the weather, commenting on a video of cats playing the piano, or sharing latest market research results with your network via Twitter. Or whatever.

But despite all of the above, there is that occasional strange person who not only doesn’t update their profile, but doesn’t have obvious social network accounts. (K, I can understand that, life happens, you get busy, or you don’t reach out to people as much, but definitely get back to them, or whatever the situation may be. Depending on your profession, I am lenient, of course, and accepting of everyone’s story).

(the visualization of one of my social networks)

I am wary of people who have nothing to show for their online activity. “I don’t want people from the past contacting me.” OK, look up privacy settings on Facebook, you can become as invisible as you like. “I don’t want people to be able to find me.” OK, lurker, also privacy settings, and maybe don’t allow people to post on your wall. “It’s all boring to read.” Your friends are boring? Not even remotely interested in what’s happening? (I get bored with FB too, but I just don’t check it on the weekend and my love returns.) On a basic level, not even interested in coming to the birthday party that you were invited to by your friends?

Whatever the reason, I am wary of people who have nothing listed on their social network profiles, or who don’t even have one. In today’s day and age and the tech-future, it’s scary to see dinosaurs out there.

In my readings on social capital, social benefits of the internet and super-connected people, (namely the Don Tapscott research) I learned something interesting.

First, as per Robert Putnam, social capital is the collective value of all social networks, and the inclinations that arise from these networks to do things for each other.

Second, people who are active in online social networks (Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, etc) are more likely to be active offline compared to people who aren’t active online. People who are active are more likely to generate substantial amounts of social capital. I like people who are active, who have a big network of friends and acquaintances, who get out there, who are connected to the world. That’s a big part of my personality and I would like to be with like-minded folks.

Takeaway: Next time you meet someone who doesn’t have a social networking profile, or disses all social networks, takes pride in his or her archaic habits, consider few things: 1) this person may be a lurking/secretive/paranoid creep (the first person I met this year was exactly that; I was puzzled); 2) this person may have very little or no social life (I know the last person was like that), thus, are you willing to fill out his/her calendar for him or, worse, fight him off when you want to have the evening to yourself; 3) on the other hand, he or she won’t know what you’re up to or how you’re feeling about them because they can’t see your updates. But blatantly complaining is not recommended

Against boredom the gods themselves fight in vain

That’s what Nietzsche said. (We will return to him eventually)

I also realize that us human beings should feel less guilty about being bored. From time to time. I was raised to believe that I am bored because I can’t entertain myself, or I am bored because I don’t participate enough, or I become bored because I’m stuck in a rut.

Not once was a possibility of the other person being a hopeless and uninteresting bore, explored. Guess what? I’m an educated woman, with a vast array of interests from Italian futurists to 17th century Japanese poetry to financial hedging to squash to Burgundy wine to Czech new wave cinema. And more. I’m able to carry on a conversation, and I can probably recall several interesting points from the last issue of The Economist and a Hemingway book is very likely to fall out of my purse. I can make you laugh and can produce many topics for conversation. So don’t give me the “it’s your problem” answer. It may very well be yours.

Last month I went on two dates with the guy I’m going to tell you about.

When I first met him, M, at a party, I thought he was pretty interesting. He threw out some Russian literature cards (I’m starting to think that anyone who is capable of reading and producing some thoughts brings out the ardent interest in Brothers Karamazov), mentioned having studied philosophy and physics, backpacked around Europe and northern Africa and expressed interest in teaching (down the road). Sounded good.

So we went on a first date, most of which was spent talking about the past – we were telling stories of our European travel to each other, discussed some philosophy, some school, past accomplishments, current jobs, aspirations. Towards the end I kind of noticed that all interesting discussions revolved around his past. His present was full of managing his dad’s printing shop (a little boring), living in Hamilton (where is that? I’ve never been) and going out with the same married friends and not liking hooking up with random people at bars. Okay.

I wasn’t particularly heart-broken to part several hours later. I happily inhaled the fresh October air and went onward with my Saturday evening.

The second date was a killer. We went to an all-you-can eat sushi place, Aji Sai on Queen West, to enjoy some raw fish before going to a movie. The food was great, I was happy to stuff my face with salmon and tuna sashimi because I was growing a little bored of the conversation.  Talking about the present with this guy was not that fun – I wasn’t interested in stories about his friends (married and with problems — what a great turn on; what am I supposed to say besides that some of his friends are bored/made a mistake early in their life/are doomed to the suburban hell?). I wasn’t interested in his future, I wasn’t even particularly excited to hear about technical issues at work and the runaround that gave him.

I couldn’t help but wonder why it was that I really wanted to check my phone, text my roommate to come rescue me, or see what Twitter has been up to, anything to distract myself from the guy.

Then half-way through my own sentence (something really high-pitched and unintelligent – subconsciously I started trying to say anything to un-attract him from myself) I realized how utterly bored I was. And that I was SO looking forward to the movie part of our evening, because I wouldn’t have to talk to him. Poor soul.

Joking and chuckling in the car, we got to the movie theatre and I insisted on watching An Education (which is great, go see it) instead of Paranormal Activity, because I sure wasn’t 1) going to mix my bored feelings for him with the apparently terrifying demon haunting of the latter movie and 2) there was no way in hell I was gonna bring him home with me to fight possible nightmares about aforementioned demons.

After the movie I was stupid enough to agree to keep on hanging out. So I brought him to my neighborhood bar and mentioned that my roommates are going to visit very soon as well! God, I needed my roommates there as the conversation with M became inbred – we talked about absolute bullshit. He brought up his ex, and how he wants to settled down, and how I could visit Hamilton (I don’t want to go to Hamilton) and so on and so forth.

Then he tried to invite himself over as both of us got pretty tired, and around midnight I became adamant on leaving the bar and going to bed. He wondered if he could crash, and usually I let my friends stay if, heck, the way home is long and such, but I wanted to get rid of this guy ASAP, and definitely didn’t want to deal with him in the morning. Personal space, please. Anyway, I got rid of him and decided that it was time to draft a rejection letter before all this boredom got out of control.

Photo by scragz on flickr

Takeaway: If you find yourself utterly bored with another person, don’t take it as your inability to be interesting or your “snobbishness”. There are plenty of people who aren’t intellectually compatible with you. Nip it in the bud and stop wasting your time on thinking about how to get out of the miserable situation. And definitely spread the word to other ladies and gentlemen out there. Boredom is a sin, rid yourself of it.

Someone’s Lover’s Lover

Have you ever been in lo-, erm, been infatuated with (at least!) someone who was “taken” by another person?

(First, let’s get the semantics out of the way and agree that nobody is really “taken” completely by another person. It’s the choice that the subject of our desire makes, to be “taken” by another.)

It seems that this is something that occurs to young, inexperience people in the dating arena, or the jaded.

The setup: A boy or a girl:

A) gets burned by their previous lover and develops a slight reluctance to connect with other people, or perhaps does not feel interested enough by almost anybody around them. Becomes jaded, reckless, picky/not-so-picky, experimental, unattached and pretty damn irritating to those who still have their hearts (& wits) about them if you ask me.

B) has been dating someone for such a long time that after all these years the original compatibility evaporated and all that is left is the pleasant momentum from years before. The duo is still “together”, loyal and blind. But lo and behold! The couple became separated by distance due to higher education, jobs, whatever. Distance, my dear, that means that the boy or the girl is “free” in the new arena.

Without the watchful (or annoying) eye of the significant other, the boy or a girl i) becomes exceptionally promiscuous, but still not emotionally attached to new people; ii) religiously devoted to the first high school lover, writing poems, installing video cameras all over the house, signing up for long distance and constantly updating the other on his/hers whereabouts; iii) falling in love with a new and intriguing person (but we are dismissing this situation for the purpose of this post).

The problem: You come along and meet the boy or a girl of your interests. You go for drinks, you watch films, you dance together, you find each other intelligent. You connect, you start making memories together. Nothing is wrong.

Until the moment when your love interest comes over at 2AM, you offer them wine, and sit them down. You turn on the record player and listen to the oldies. It’s bliss, you’re expecting a relatively fast scene change to the bedroom and repeat the ruckus that you did to the bedframe a week ago.

Except: “Every time I go to Paris, I am with Milena. When she visits Toronto, we are together.”

What?

Your narrative of a potential relationship falls apart at the seams the moment you hear this condition. You’re someone’s lover’s lover. Fifth wheel, third person, what are your chances for survival? What is this? Is the crush still 12, thinking that long distance relationships will find a way? Is the crush really 28, if he/she likes to keep the options open, satisfying the selfish desires left, right and center, while hurting innocent souls?

Run!

I would like to make clear several remarks about situations like these:

- Does the crush really like the distant lover much, if he/she invests in 10+ dates with the present open-hearted beauty?

- If the crush makes these clear double standards, then is he/she even worthwhile to invest your precious time into? Imagine you become apart for a month (due to business) – would you trust him/her as much, knowing their fleeting interests?

- Jaded people who like to keep all their options open, who can’t commit to one person need to sort out their personal problems first. Forget it. It is never wise to get involved with someone who cannot make a decision, who is afraid to get involved, who is neither here nor there. Let them loose.

Listen to all their narratives with the most angelic and understanding face. Try to utter the kindest remark possible. Usher them out of your house. Then delete them from your life. Maybe even send a “Fuck You” text message.