“I’d Like You to Meet my New Boyfriend”

Why is so important for some people to ensure their ex and their current beau become friends? I think it’s because they want to ease any tension there may be but really all that does is make situations awkward.

Take for example a good friend of mine, let’s call him Derek.  Derek had known this girl from his class for several months. He found her very attractive but never imagined she would hang out with him let a lone interested in dating him.  All of a sudden one day he is called up by her out of the blue to get together.  They saw a movie, had some drinks and for the next couple of weeks she invited him over to all the parties/events that she had at her place.

After a couple of months of dating, Derek hinted that he would like to get more serious with the girl.  Unfortunately for him, she explained to him that she just wasn’t into dating anyone seriously at that point in time.

Needless to say Derek was quite upset but he respected her and still wanted to remain friends though they talked much less and rarely in person.  While he still wanted to be friends with her, his heart was broken and it wasn’t easy for him to hide those emotions and pretend everything was alright every time they spoke to each other.

A month later Derek informed me that he was getting together with friends and that the girl would be there with supposedly a surprise… Guess what it was, a new boyfriend.

Derek is a champ so he decides to be an adult and stick around despite having to see the new lovers grope each other all night.   He figured he could just spend the night hanging out with his other friends and generally avoid speaking to his ex and still seem “cool”.  The plan was working perfectly until the girl came across the bar dragging her new boyfriend behind her.  She introduced the guys to each other and tried to stir up some conversations.  Now these guys were actually quite a like and probably would have been friends in another circumstance but the fact is that there is always some degree of jealousy or “territorial rights” between new and old partners.  I have witnessed this with both new boyfriends and new girlfriends with a wide array of reactions.  Some can play it cool and smile politely, while some decide to pout, swear and hurl chairs at the ex.

I understand that the girl just had good intentions because she wanted everyone to get along but in this particular story she put way too much pressure on the situation.  I believe that having all parties acting civilized in a situation like that is as much as anyone should ask for; especially in a short time span like this.

The old adage that time heals all wounds does have some say in this matter but it also makes things a lot easier when members of the original couple have both found a new partner.

So keep an ear on your ex’s situation if you still want to remain friends.  Give it some time and when the day comes that everyone is together keep it relaxed and consider their feelings.

Review: OkCupid

I first came across OKCupid back in 2005 (maybe late 2004, randomly) after being redirected to one of their tests from Livejournal (oh yeah, I’ve been blogging since 2002. I just checked – I received over 18,000 comments back in the day, was I ever committed to LJ). OKCupid was originally mostly a site for quizzes. I still remember the days of mediocre design and all kinds of silly tests that I took with fervor. I guess at young age you want to know yourself more than anything.

OkCupid is always free. Always been. Over the years the ads deteriorated in my opinion, or maybe I’m paying more attention now.

Behind OKCupid stand the creators of Spark.Com and Sparknotes.com. They are mathematicians and entrepreneurs from Harvard and MIT. I think that was one part of the appeal for me. Also the fact that it is a website from young people with a sense of humor, it is a website made for young people. In my experience I’ve seen the largest number of alternative types on OkCupid than on any other website. I also found the most creative profiles there.

OkCupid also has a great blog where you can find a variety of interesting studies based on the data that users submit to OkCupid. I’m a sucker for data, studies and findings, especially when it relates to online dating and such. The blog, called OkTrends, offers information on the topics of Optimum Message Length,  Your Looks and Your Inbox, The 4 Myths of Profile Pictures and more.

Also, it’s a well-designed website. Not only is it Ajax-heavy and requiring minimum page refreshing, but it boasts a variety of tools and widgets like winks, awards (!), profile edits (if you’re a friend), quivers, ice breakers and more. The site runs smoothly.  I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the visit length is a lot higher than the average. One of my favorite aspects is the fact that when you receive a newsletter from them, or an e-mail informing you that somebody sent you a message, you can read it with one simple click. The website will auto-login you. Amazing.

I’ve met a lot of people there, went on some dates as well. Not that I’ve dated anyone from the website, but when do I ever date anyone?

Guest Post: How to Bat Above Your League

We have a guest post, guys. A male opinion this time, just to shake things up a bit. Stay tuned for more posts.

Have you ever seen those guys going out with women that are much, much more physically attractive than they are? I was recently re-watching the classic Who Framed Roger Rabbit and wondered how a character like that was able to make Jessica Rabbit fall desperately in love with him? Eddie the detective shares my interest and asks the same question with Jessica simply replying “he makes me laugh”.  There’s that and she also makes the reference later on that he is quite talented as a lover.  But there has to be more than just making a gal laugh otherwise every funny guy walking around would be dating a Jessica Rabbit.  So what other factors are involved how for a guy to convince a girl who is much more physically attractive than he is to date him?

Show off the Goods!

Let’s face it fellas, physical attraction is a very influential factor so its important to know what your best physical qualities are and showcase them.  If you’re tall, be sure to stand straight and avoid slouching in sitting encounters.  If you consider yourself to be in good shape then it may be a good idea to ask if she wants to work out with you.

Wordsmithing

Next would be initiating the conversation.  When speaking with the woman, make sure to sound friendly by starting with a joke or a nice compliment (make sure it’s not too intense). Remember to speak in a confident, definitely not shy and awkward manner.  Keep conversations going with questions and stories that she can relate to, which will lead to her being interested in talking to you a consistent basis.

Timing

After a couple of friendly encounters make a move.  I’m sure you will at this point have an idea of whether she would be up for a night out with you alone but I would almost always suggest you plus your friends first.  That way she can see more good qualities about you and also you can signal your buddies to back off so you can at least have some one on one time.  It is important to get some alone time outside your normal meeting places or else you will end up in the dreaded “Friend Zone”.  My rule for the friend zone is pretty simple.  The greater disparity between physical attractiveness levels, the quicker the friend zone expands.

Personality

Almost every girl will say they would rather have a guy with a great personality versus just being ridiculously good looking.  I agree 100% but the truth is that men and women will keep looking for a mate with a bit of both.  Having an attractive personality can still be a powerful factor.  Position yourself as being a fun loving, positive person.  Just like Roger Rabbit, having the ability to make a girl laugh can the edge you need to beating out those male models you assume she really wants to date.

Remember, batting above your league is an uphill battle.  It requires some great strategy, training and a little luck.  Don’t be offended if you’re turned down.  Physical attractiveness is a heavy influence when it comes to attraction and eventually someone will take notice of your talents.

Last Good Bye

Via Torontoist I found this very poignant video created by the third year Radio & Television students from Ryerson.

Last words, a handshake, the goodbye. The final glance and a wave of the hand.

About the First/Second Dates Again

I’ve been talking to my friend about first/second/third dates, about the idea of assertiveness and gender expectations recently. There are several scenarios here. We’ve all probably been in one or another.

When you go on a date, and you don’t know whether you like the other person, you give it another try (or you don’t. Or they don’t. Or neither of you are interested.) Okay. What if at some point they become quite assertive and ask questions that require serious consideration before answering. What if you yourself just want to cut the crap and figure out whether you’re interested in reducing a 4-month saga to a few week’s decision.

There’s also an interesting issue with either ladies or gentlemen being assertive. I’ve noticed that ladies either like it when men chase after them, or are extremely interested in meeting on a short notice and multiple times (seriously, asking to meet several times a day for three days in a row, via text messages? It’s cute but annoying, too). As long as it’s not stalker-y, it’s cute.

When ladies are assertive about meeting and during the date (leading the conversation, sort of interviewing the gentleman – time is precious), they freak out at times. Do gentlemen really prefer the quiet, homely types? The types who wait to be asked a question? I know several damsels who like to know where they stand so as not to waste their time. They ask or figure it out somehow, and either pursue or – usually, – let it go. The boys keep running back! But they get ignored. And others don’t mind the sagas. Sagas are great to determine if there is someone better one can end up with. Look at the bright side

Another selfish and me-specific notion. The idea of time (and its fast-paced disappearance). It is always on my mind. I just wouldn’t stand the waiting, trying to figure out whether I like them or not, hoping/not knowing whether they do, or whether I do. A great sign is when you hit it off enough to let go of societal constructions about how your string of communications should proceed next. Think about it. You like each other enough to start communicating a lot; there isn’t a 2-3-4 day rule or whatever. But that kind of ease only happens with star-crossed lovers. Mortals, it seems, have to jump through the hoops.

Of course, the contemporary life makes us even more neurotic given the preposterous number of tools we have. Calling, texting, e-mailing, Facebook messages/wall scribbles/likes/pokes, Tweeting in some cases, blogging (snooping on their blogs, sites, whatever). There’s just so many points of contact that it’s easy to go overboard. I remember the good days of MSN/phone (I don’t do MSN messenger anymore), and then real meetings.

At the end of the day, it may become better to date friends of friends with whom you’ve hung out (or neighbors!), or even seeing an old friend in a new light than trying to construct a relationship with a complete stranger.

Memorable Movie Couples: 1

I’m a pretty impressionable person. I like stories. I like memorable characters. I like passionate people. So, naturally, I fall in love with couples depicted in films. Thought I’d mention some of my favorites. This is a Part 1 as there are more interesting couples than I can remember now.

Check them out on Netflix. In no particular order:

Fight Club (1999): Marla and Jack

That’s one of the most dysfunctional couples I’ve seen out there. Neurotic, with Marla’s morbid obsessions of going to prostate cancer anonymous meetings and Jack’s schizophrenic soap-making escapades. The passion is definitely there, even if it burns through everything, including great sex.

Thirst (2009) – Tae-ju and [priest] Sang-hyeon

This is the most unconventional of them all. And most vivid. I wasn’t bored for a single minute during the film. It mesmerized me completely. Not only is there a priest involved, but an affair, passion, deaths and, obviously blood. The setting was so different than what we’re usually used to, and the priest Sang-hyeon’s humanity so solid that he seemed the only real human in the parade of animals.

Cruel Intentions (1999): Annette and Sebastian

The good ol’ story of the bad boy falling in love with a good girl. Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon have a great chemistry on screen there. In this teen-focused remake of Dangerous Liaisons, the charming and irresistible Sebastian is challenged (by his lusty sister) to bed the seemingly unattainable Annette.

Eternal Sunshine o f Spotless Mind (2004) – Clementine & Joel

Unlike the unlikely previous two couples, Clementine and Joel are the most down to earth. Or I at least think they have the most “normal”, yet unique, relationship. If you ignore the whole you-can-get-your-memories-erased part. I enjoyed their memories. The life, the life. I haven’t seen the movie more than once (or twice), though, as it’s really painful to watch. Do you even know what the director’s cut ending is?? Sad story.

Titanic (1997) – Rose & Jack

Kate Winslet again! Whatever you say about Titanic and the Leo DiCaprio craze that followed, the love story is pretty enchanting. Titanic became the top-grossing film of all time, come on. And whatever is cheesy about their short-lived affair is, in your mind they must appear in the top 5 memorable couples list. I did bawl my eyes out back in the day.

Stay tuned for part 2 of memorable couples in films. There are a lot more. What are your favorites?

Sign up for Netflix to stream or receive these films in the mail!

The Mini Stalker

I sometimes suffer from the gum-stuck-to-the-shoe problem. You know, you’re doing your thing, walking around, being yourself, and – bam, – step on something you didn’t see and now the sole of your shoe is covered in gum. How irritating.

The same happens with people sometimes, right? I have a semi-stalker story.

I’m not really bothered by the idea of having a stalker. It was never on the list of “scary things”. Of course, the stalker I have in my mind is the non-threatening type who is too shy to approach me. Something who isn’t frightening or leaving dead pigeons on my doorstep.

I met this person at a celebration last year, and we danced and talked a lot. I definitely received a lot of compliments, which is always nice. He seemed jolly. Was dressed smart, which suited him. Among a group of friends (and without saying much of anything, really) he seemed interesting, so we decided to hang out.

Oh God.

We drove to the beach – or, rather, the “beach” here in Toronto (I don’t count anything that’s on a real ocean as a beach, which does not mean I’m criticizing the Beaches neighborhood – I love it there) – to hang out.  Halfway there, I already felt bored. I talked about work, that fills up some time, and I get really passionate about it.

He didn’t have a job. Oh?

Acting aspirations. Oh, of course! Former snowboard instructor. Oh, that type.

I’ll spare you the date itself, but we sat on a bench, and looked at serene water. It’s not that I started to run out of topics for conversations, it’s that I received agreement to EVERYTHING. He lacked any kind of opinion. He nodded to everything. Or simply had nothing to say.

Then he took out a sketchbook and we did a minimalist rendition of what was in front of us. Few lines, a flicker of a bird, child digging in the sand.

Anyway, I won’t spare you the rest of the depressing details, but I had to kick him out in the evening, after having invited friends over to save me from this terrible visitor.

I never saw him in person again.

But my oh my, did I receive phone calls from random numbers (since he didn’t have a cell phone at the time)! I always received Facebook chats from him. And he liked every status update of mine. And said weird things like, “Hey, you’re a good one.” Yeah, duh. Except that coming from him that phrase sounded oblique and obscure.

And then there were invites to most ridiculous events like the Jay Z concert afterparty. I responded, “uh, sorry, I’m not into rap”. And he said, “Yeah, right, I know u like beatz” or something like that. I think the comment was inspired by my interests in techno. There is a world of difference between Jay Z and German minimal techno.

I received messages with various numbers I should call, and invitations to come out when I was visiting his city. Then he moved to Toronto. Tried to meet up with me, but by then I ignored all his messages.

I didn’t contact him at all, but then he apparently came by my house! He messaged with “Did you get my message from the little Asian lady?” I was a dubious as I didn’t receive anything. He said he was in the ‘hood (uh-huh) and left me a message via her.

That’s where my patience expired.

Seriously. What next – waiting by my work or my house?

So I said, “are you gonna be my stalker now?” he got all offended. Thank gods he did, I wanted him off my back! He finally stopped pestering me and I deleted him from Facebook. No more reminders.

Peaceful!

Takeaway: If there is some advice that I can give, that is to cut the potential stalkers in the beginning. Nip it in the bud. If you have a nice girl (or guy – we all know of a guy with a crazy ex-girlfriend story!) tendencies, you may want to lay it down like it is before they build an imaginary post-wedding life with you.

What to Have in Your Apartment to Interest Ladies

This morning I (somehow) stumbled on Bullz Eye, which is apparently an online men’s magazine. I don’t know who really reads it, and it looks like it has some potential once the writers up their ante, but let’s get back to the point of the post.

Some items I think are pretty interesting, while others are lame. Let’s dip into the list.

• Pets. Having a pet would certainly get my attention. Not only are pets usually cute, but their residence in a man’s place suggests that he is responsible enough to take care of another living creature. (Although cats don’t really do it for me. Unless they’re the deadly Siamese breed or the ultra tiny toddler kittty. Or a bunny)

• Pictures. Bullz Eye thinks that having cute collages of your travels and the younger self. While I wouldn’t spend too much time on oogling the poorly photographed Eurotrip (95% chance of that happening, judging from what Facebook travel albums display), I would be more interested in the younger you. Family is nice to have as well so I could get an idea what you might look like with age

• In interesting cooking appliance. That includes a killer collection of knives. Or that ice cream maker. Espresso machine is a hot ticket, too. These ice shot glasses look great! Imagine the culinary possibilities.

• A decent library. I don’t mean you need to possess the Beauty and the Beast kind of a literary bookworm paradise, but it would be nice to have a solid mixture of classics (Plato seems to be the household name), contemporary world literature (Salman Rushdie, J.M. Coetzee), American novels (Kerouac, Hemingway) and something random (we’ll forgive you the Harry Potter and possibly start chatting about how we’re the biggest fan). However, target to your audience and express yourself. If the girl of your dreams is a photographer, show some Avedon. If she doesn’t like the books, hide the more intimidating titles and put something simple on display. I push that Stephen King and Eckhart Tolle to the bottom of my bookshelf, and put Joyce and Nabokov to the eye level.

• Bottles of Wine. Or better, good bottles of wine. I knew a prince who, upon hearing that I liked Pinot Noir, went on a mad research quest, consulted several liquor store employees and brought the $40 every time we hung out. A real gentleman. I’m not advising breaking the bank on wine, but doing a little research and injecting variety into your cellar will pay off. There are plenty of $15.99 vintage gems.

• Hair Conditioner. Ha! Jus Frais suggested that having a conditioner impresses a lady. I’d like to expand on that and add that moisturizing facial cream or an above average shower gel can get an approving squawk. A sign that a man likes to take care of himself and doesn’t let his skin resemble sandpaper.

• Art. You don’t have to fork out thousands of dollars on a unique piece from the Distillery art district. It can be a friend’s item, your own, or even a tasteful reproduction (steer clear of the staple Renoirs, Monets and Manets!). Just show her that you’ve got the eye.

• Games. Games mean activity, fun and interaction. Whether you own a Wii, a Playstation or a set of board games – great. Don’t hide them. There’s at least one game that we love(d) playing.

• Good design. In every respectable city there are dozens of boutique design/furniture shops with interesting items from small to large. Whether it’s a cute spatula or a wobble chess set from Umbra, you can bring her attention to the modern and tasteful you.